AP NEWS FLASHES
July 29, 20054:22pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Pedrito has vanished. Family members are baffled. O.J. Simpson a suspect. Potential retaliation for DIRECTV punitive actions.
4:33pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Detectives believe the revered burro Pedrito is being held hostage by a friend or family member based on an email sent today from the captors. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities are concerned that the situation may escalate to a burro-cide.
4:48pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - In a strange turn of events, today, the Garden Gnome Liberation Front claimed responsibility for the disappearance Friday of burro extraordinaire Pedrito. Authorities are not commenting on the claim, but sources say the GGLF has resorted to such tactics in the past. O.J. now offering a reward for Pedrito's safe return.
4:59pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - The GGLF has issued a notice that Pedrito's body has been dumped somewhere on the shore of the east river, near 8th street. Authorities will not comment, but continue to investigate. Sniffer dogs are now being used.
5:09pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - PEDRITO HAS BEEN FOUND ALIVE! Pedrito is recuperating at friend Brian Tomazic's home in the Hamptons. Traumatized, but otherwise uninjured, Pedrito vowed to continue on the burro-circuit in the Fall. In another related story, O.J. plans to star in a musical version of Pedrito's life, set to open on Broadway in January '06. Details to follow.
5:09pm
Press Release from Brian Tomazic
El Segundo, CA - Pedrito has been safely returned. After making sweet donkey love to his captors, Pedrito was able to convince the gullible Gnomes of his super powers with which he threatened to make them Democrats. Pedrito is currently smoking a cigarette and getting ready for his big night.
God Bless.
5:36pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - In a shocking turn of events, BRIAN TOMAZIC has been reported missing after a news report revealed that he has secret home in the Hamptons that he had been hiding from his family and friends. Investigators suspect the Hampton home was a secret rendezvous point shared by Tomazic and his lover the recently kidnapped and returned Pedrito. Tomazic and Pedrito have been covering up their affair from loved ones for months. Investigators further suspect the alleged kidnapping of Pedrito was just a cover up by the two lovers. Tomazic and Pedrito planned to run away together. Further details will be released as they become available. Explicit details of the affair will be edited for our younger viewers.
5:40pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Bill Kiester has just been awarded the Pulitzer Prize in journalism today for his extended coverage of the Pedrito kidnapping case. Mr. Kiester thanked the committee and stated, "I was proud to have been a part of such a fantastic story". In an odd twist, Mr. Kiester and O.J. Simpson were married today in Vermont during civil ceremony officiated by Pedrito.
Rumors regarding an illicit man-burro relationship between Brian Tomazic and Pedrito have been found to be untrue. While Mr. Tomazic did share his bed with Pedrito, Mr. Tomazic pointed out that it's a perfectly natural and wonderful thing to do.
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