This party needs a donkey

Imagine your special day...

Your wedding, your son's bar mitzvah, your mother-in-law's funeral. Imagine the beautiful flowers, the sumptuous desserts, the glow of candlelight...

And now, imagine sharing your occasion with Pedrito.

That's right, friends. The pleasure and power of Pedrito can make even the lamest of parties into the event of the year.

Sure he's expensive, but he's worth it. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, what's 20% of the booze plus first-access-rights to all single and nubile women? You can't afford not to.

Don't wait; email now

AP NEWSFLASH July 30

SANTA MONICA, CA - In an ironic twist of events, Pepito has been kidnapped.

The GGLF claims no responsibility, and government officials are at a loss. Private parties confirm there are no leads, but one source close to the situation says it was a long time coming. The source refused to comment further.

The kidnapping occurred during Pedrito’s launch party at the famed Bitter Redhead Bar. According to sources, at one point Pedrito and Pepito were consuming adult beverages in thoroughbred-like quantities at the bar with friends and what appeared to be relatives. Pedrito was then called to the stage to shower his fans with gratitude and Pepito was relegated to the back to sign hoof-print autographs. At that point, several bystanders reported seeing smoke; when the smoke cleared, Pepito was gone.

Pedrito issued this statement: “I implore the kidnappers to treat Pepito with dignity. Also, please no MSG and keep him to a high-carb diet as he is training for the next Iditarod race. I offer a reward of $2 (American), a bag of kettle korn, and one of my Spearmint Rhino 2-for-1 lap-dance coupons.”

Unconfirmed reports have sighted Pepito in the eastern mountainous region of Afghanistan herding small fruits and vegetables for the Taliban. The US Military has re-tasked a satellite and is investigating.

PEDRITO KIDNAPPING

AP NEWS FLASHES
July 29, 2005

4:22pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Pedrito has vanished. Family members are baffled. O.J. Simpson a suspect. Potential retaliation for DIRECTV punitive actions.

4:33pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Detectives believe the revered burro Pedrito is being held hostage by a friend or family member based on an email sent today from the captors. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities are concerned that the situation may escalate to a burro-cide.

4:48pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - In a strange turn of events, today, the Garden Gnome Liberation Front claimed responsibility for the disappearance Friday of burro extraordinaire Pedrito. Authorities are not commenting on the claim, but sources say the GGLF has resorted to such tactics in the past. O.J. now offering a reward for Pedrito's safe return.

4:59pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - The GGLF has issued a notice that Pedrito's body has been dumped somewhere on the shore of the east river, near 8th street. Authorities will not comment, but continue to investigate. Sniffer dogs are now being used.

5:09pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - PEDRITO HAS BEEN FOUND ALIVE! Pedrito is recuperating at friend Brian Tomazic's home in the Hamptons. Traumatized, but otherwise uninjured, Pedrito vowed to continue on the burro-circuit in the Fall. In another related story, O.J. plans to star in a musical version of Pedrito's life, set to open on Broadway in January '06. Details to follow.

5:09pm
Press Release from Brian Tomazic
El Segundo, CA - Pedrito has been safely returned. After making sweet donkey love to his captors, Pedrito was able to convince the gullible Gnomes of his super powers with which he threatened to make them Democrats. Pedrito is currently smoking a cigarette and getting ready for his big night.
God Bless.

5:36pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - In a shocking turn of events, BRIAN TOMAZIC has been reported missing after a news report revealed that he has secret home in the Hamptons that he had been hiding from his family and friends. Investigators suspect the Hampton home was a secret rendezvous point shared by Tomazic and his lover the recently kidnapped and returned Pedrito. Tomazic and Pedrito have been covering up their affair from loved ones for months. Investigators further suspect the alleged kidnapping of Pedrito was just a cover up by the two lovers. Tomazic and Pedrito planned to run away together. Further details will be released as they become available. Explicit details of the affair will be edited for our younger viewers.

5:40pm
AP Newswire
El Segundo, CA - Bill Kiester has just been awarded the Pulitzer Prize in journalism today for his extended coverage of the Pedrito kidnapping case. Mr. Kiester thanked the committee and stated, "I was proud to have been a part of such a fantastic story". In an odd twist, Mr. Kiester and O.J. Simpson were married today in Vermont during civil ceremony officiated by Pedrito.
Rumors regarding an illicit man-burro relationship between Brian Tomazic and Pedrito have been found to be untrue. While Mr. Tomazic did share his bed with Pedrito, Mr. Tomazic pointed out that it's a perfectly natural and wonderful thing to do.
Note: Use of the AP Newswire designation by non-Newswire representatives is strictly prohibited and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Pedrito Premiere Party Friday July 29th

From the humble beginnings in the beautiful Pico Rivera Arena ~

Pedrito was born alongside two bags of Pistachios in the backdrop of the Mexican Midget Rodeo. No sage could have foreseen Pedrito's rise out of the Mexican Ghetto to his lofty stature as the de-facto burro mayor of Los Angeles. He is adored by fans, children, and adult entertainers alike, much to the envy of other mortal donkeys and even Clydesdales. His glamorous life is now reserved for frolicking in the Colorado Rockies, yachting in the Mexican Riviera, photo shoots, attending various sporting events (as a guest of the teams, of course), debauchery in Cabo, and visiting sick children in the mental wards. He has lost many donkey parts along the way only to be replaced with bandages and fans’ gifts of adoration. Only in America.

To share Pedrito’s powers with the masses, a small group of his entourage has been chartered to created the first of many "PEDRITO WHERE?" paraphernalia. His premiere will offer his shirts –- both regular and baby dolls –- to the public. These are limited in quantity. Don't miss out; don a Pedrito shirt and you will feel his power immediately.

When: Friday, July 29, 9:00pm
Where: The Bitter Redhead @ 2101 Lincoln Blvd., Santa Monica,CA Google map

The front and back of the shirts ~

See the Evite

Con mi fuego

Can you feel it, mi amigos?

Power is in the air, hovering, it waits for us to show our courage. Like thunderheads, energies are gathering, the omens are numerous, consciousness is heightened, the full moon lights our way. Hay sólo una pregunta -- estas listo?

You come to Pedrito, looking for solace, but I have none. You must be a warrior, that is my only advice. You know what you have to do. Por qué do you hesitate?

As I awoke esta mañana, I found the words of Mevlana Rumi on my lips: “I am burning. If anyone lacks tinder, let him set his rubbish ablaze with my fire.”

My Immaculate Conception at the Mexican Midget Rodeo (Summer 2002)

(Pedrito, as channeled by Her Royal Highness, Lady Mader of Kentington)

It all began on a midsummer’s day in the heart of the charming town of Pico Rivera...

Within throwing distance of Mexican midgets who were chasing ponies and calves -- and riding through rings of fire in mini-monster trucks, all under the melodic voice of the Spanish-speaking rodeo announcer -- I was bartered, along with two bags of pistachios, for $18 (American).

At first I wondered who my new parents were to be. How was something so important as my fate to be decided?

Rumors abound that the important task of raising me was given to the only characters who couldn't understand the announcer. Incomprehension being their usual state, it didn't seem to bother them, especially given that their translations were filtered through many previous Bud Lights (for the Mexicans) and Coronas (for the Americans). The beer was complimented with fine smokies (midget hot dogs) that the crew had grilled while tailgating with the local trash collectors in the filthy clay-dirt lot next to the rodeo.

After the final encore and with many beers and smokies thus consumed, Prem and Kent whisked me away backstage under false pretenses: they were with the LA TIMES to interview and photograph the midgets. Realizing their subterfuge, I panicked, kicking my legs and opening my eyes wide -- but found I couldn't move!

But then the midgets, they did something to me; one of them, an old man, was a shaman. And as the midgets happily gathered 'round to pay their respects to their departing midget 'horse', the shaman looked into my eyes, and he gave me his power.

Because of their heartfelt sorrow, along with their pledge to vanquish anyone who might do me any harm, I have an affinity for midgets, especially those of Mexican decent (no offense, Tommy).

And thus I became -- not Pedro, but in homage to the Mexican midget shaman who entered me that fateful, glorius day -- Pedrito.

Pedrito at home around the world 

Sitting in the truck

Jes, my "owners" talk real big about all my travels, but yesterday, there's this fantastico fiesta con Tejano music, Coronas, churros, and a posse of sweet latinas, las bonitas mangoes d'amor -- right up my alley, tu sabes?

Y donde esta Pedrito? Sitting in some guero's high-rider truck in a garage, tortured by the smells of burritos -- a food named after my kind, the burrows, and sadistically co-opted by the bipeds.

Did they invite me? Claro que no.

Pero porque no? I'm pretty sure they bring me around just to attract the ladies, like a damn puppy, but siempre the ladies want me, not them. The ladies love me. And why shouldn't they? My fur is soft; I'm exceptionally well groomed. And I know how to treat them right, like the goddesses they are. Those hombres, they are jealous of my power, they try to control me, but they cannot. If they knew what I do while they are away... and yet they suspect nothing. Simple fools.

So I ask you -- who's the real ass?